Is that a rat?
by BananaNutCrunch
Summary: No," Szayel sighed impatiently, "it is NOT a rat. This," he waved the ball of fluff,"is a hamster." Slightly pointless fic. Read if you're bored.


Newest test subject in hand, Szayel Apollo Grantz whistled tunelessly to himself as he roamed the corridors of Las Noches.

He was feeling unusually happy.

And, why shouldn't he? It was a nice day outside; too nice, in fact, to be spent indoors researching (because as much joy and pleasure his work brought him, there are times when a man needs some human contact. Or Hollow contact, as the case may be).

The artificial sun was shining, Hollow-birds were singing, the wind was playing with his hair in a rather fetching way—

"Is that a rat?"

Szayel sighed, adjusting his glasses, and turned around to face the intrusion.

"No, Yammy. This is not a rat. This is a hamster."

Yammy stared at the little ball of fur perched daintily in Szayel's well-manicured hand. "What's a hamster?"

Szayel rubbed a temple with his free hand. "A hamster, Yammy," he explained, "is a type of rodent commonly found in the Real World. Humans often domesticate these hamsters and keep them as pets, because they are perceived to be 'cuddly' and 'adorable'. Hamsters are generally quite popular amongst human children."

Yammy continued to stare at the rodent for a while, seemingly uninterested in Szayel's explaination. " 's cute," he mumbled after a minute, turning to walk away.

"I imagine Yammy is about to ask Lord Aizen permission to go to the human world now. I suspect he wishes to get a hamster of his own," Szayel mused. "Don't forget to take good care of it, Yammy!" he called over his shoulder.

Satisfied, now, he thought, where would be a good place for a pink-haired genius such as myself to spend some time? Perhaps the common room?

Szayel decided that, yes, the common room would be a nice place to go. And so, he changed course.

Upon finally reaching the common room, Szayel was forced to step aside to make room for a very unhappy-looking Hallibel, in close persuit by a strange spoon-shaped creature.

Ah, so Nnoitora was with her?

Szayel understood why Hallibel must be upset.

"Wait up, Hallibaby!" oozed the aforementioned spoon with his usual greasy smile. Hallibel rounded on him.

"I swear, if you call me anything as degrading as 'Hallibaby' ever again, I will personally grab your head and smash it into the wall so hard that you will need a screwdriver to take it out."

"But Honeybel--"

Szayel gasped.

Later, lesser Arrancar would have sworn to Aizen that the resounding _crack_ was heard all throughout Hueco Mundo.

Blinking away his surprise, Szayel laughed to himself and entered the common room, leaving the door open in case Nnoitora saw fit to join him once he had succeeded in extracting himself from the brick wall.

Ulquiorra barely looked up from his newspaper. "Szayel."

"Ulquiorra."

"Squeak."

"Sorry?"

"I didn't say anything."

"Squeak."

Ulquiorra's gaze travelled from the Octa Espada's face to the tiny brown thing cupped in his hands. "What," he deadpanned, "is _that_?"

"This is my newest test subject."

"Is that a rat?"

"No, it is not a rat. It is a hamster."

"Why did you buy a hamster?"

"Because they were out of guinea pigs."

Ulquiorra stared at him for a minute, uncomprehending. "Oh," he suddenly understood. "_Irony_." He rolled his envy-coloured eyes dismissively. "What happened to your previous white laboratory rats?"

"Grimmjow ate them."

"…I see."

Nnoitora shuffled in, rubbing plaster from his hair. "Hey, Szayel. Is that a rat?"

Szayel huffed impatiently. "No! It is not a rat, it is a hamster! A HAMSTER!"

"Woah, chill out, dude," Nnoitora blinked at him.

"Hang on, if that's a hamster, where's its mask and bones and stuff?"

"That's Hollow hamsters you're talking about. This here is a HUMAN hamster."

Nnoitora bent closer to look at the hamster. Szayel set it gently on the table. 'Would you like to feed it a sunflower seed?" he asked, pulling a little pouch of the stuff out of some hidden pocket.

"No, thank you." Ulquiorra turned back to his newspaper.

Nnoitora shrugged. 'Sure, why not?"

"Open up, you little bugger," he said cheerfully, proffering a sunflower seed. "Oi, Szayel, why's he puffing his cheeks out at me like that?"

"That's the way hamsters eat. They use their cheeks as pouches to store food. If you're going to pick it up, be very gentle with it."

"Okay. Hey, he ain't half bad! Look, he's sniffing my thumb- OW! HE BIT ME! LITTLE BASTARD _BIT_ ME!"

Szayel sighed irritably. "What did I tell you? I tell you to be gentle and what do you do? You go and_ squeeze_ him. It serves you right!"

The harassed pink-haired Espada snatched his hamster back. "There, there," he said soothingly, stroking its little fluffy head gently.

"LOOK! LOOK, IT'S BLEEDING! I BET YOU THAT LITTLE RAT GAVE ME RABIES!"

"Nnoitora is making a lot of noise," Ulquiorra observed.

"That's because he's trash," Szayel muttered.

Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow by a fraction. "I am impressed."

"IT BIT ME! I'M DYING! I'M DYING AND NOBODY CARES--"

The door opened and Grimmjow entered, leaning against the door-frame in all his blue-haired glory. He took one look at Szayel holding the hamster guiltily, watched Nnoitora crawl off into a corner to his demise, shrugged and sat down opposite Ulquiorra.

"Looks like Szayel's torturing rats again," he said conversationally.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, THIS IS NOT A RAT! IT IS A HAMSTER! DO YOU PEOPLE REALLY NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?!"

Grimmjow blinked at him. "I was talking about Nnoitora, man."

"Oh."

"Haha, Grimmjow, that was pretty funny- HEY! WAIT! WHO YOU CALLIN' A RAT, KITTY-CAT?!"

Grimmjow ignored him. "Didn't know you liked cute things," he gestured to the hamster, which had begun to sniff at him curiously. Szayel smiled. "I need it to experiment on. I have big plans for this one."

Grimmjow frowned at the thought of what the poor bundle of fluff had in store for itself. He stared at it for a while.

"Szayel?"

"Hmm?'

"Can I keep this hamster?"

"Are you going to eat it?"

"Uhm, no…it's not that time of the month."

"I see. Well…I suppose I could let you play with it. But only until I need to experiment on it. You have to give it back when I ask for it."

"Right."

"Maybe you can keep it after I'm done. Although, I won't be able to guarantee its health. Or gender. Or species, for that matter."

"Sure, sure. Whatever you want."

Satisfied, Szayel stood up to leave the room. "Now, if you will excuse me, I must see that my useless fraccion are not reducing my workplace to rubble as we speak." He swept gracefully out of the room. Nnoitora balked.

"W-wait! You gotta treat my finger! I'm sure it's infected!" he ran out after Szayel.

Ulquiorra sniffed. "Trash," he said, without a word of explanation, and left.

Grimmjow sat alone with the hamster on the table for some time. He turned when he heard the door open for the third time that day.

"Oh, hullo Stark."

"Hi, Grimm."

Stark breezed in like a yawn on legs and plonked himself opposite Grimmjow, in Ulquiorra's previous seat. He regarded Grimmjow stoically through half-lidded eyes.

"Any idea what's for dinner?" he suddenly asked.

"I dunno. Burritos, I think."

"Oh, crap. I hate burritos."

"Ah, deal with it. What do you care, anyways? It ain't like you need to eat, you're Espada, remember?"

"Well, yes, but I seem to have gotten into the habit."

"I know how you feel. I'm the same way with burgers. Can't get enough of the damned things."

"I feel your pain, man. I feel it."

"Good for you."

"…"

"…"

"Hey, Grimmjow?"

"Whut?"

"…is that a rat?"

I'm sorry. This is my first time writing and it's late and, well, I got lazy toward the end.

Self: I DO NOT OWN BLEACH. Except Grimmjow.

Grimmjow: Like hell.

Self: Uhm. Can I own Ulquiorra?

Ulquiorra: No. I refuse to be owned by trash such as yourself.

Self: ...Szayel?

Szayel: Don't make me throw my slipper at you.

Self: COME ON. AT ELAST LET ME HAVE ONE OF YOU.

Nnoitora: *sidles closer* You can have me, if you like.

Self: *shudders* FORGET IT! I DON'T OWN BLEACH! PERIOD!

Nnoitora: Anyone who reviews gets to take me home with them! *winks*

Ulquiorra: Allow me to rephrase that. Anyone who does NOT review will have Nnoitora following them home. Forever.

Nnoitora: Ahaha, that's pretty funny- OI! I'M RIGHT HERE!

Self: If you read this far, I thank you. Please review, it would mean a lot. Have a nice day! (:


End file.
